英文幽默故事选读


Two Tickets Please
　　A young man was in love with a girl. At one weekend, he invited his girlfriend to the cinema. When they were at the ticket box, the young man said to the ticket seller, "Two tickets, please. "
　　When the ticket seller told him that all the tickets had sold out, the disappointed young man said, "Then do you have any sur- tickets that can allow us to stand together?"

I'll Keep it on My Floor


　　My 16-year-old son, Jeff, is a boy any parent would be proud of --until you see the floor of his room, covered with layers of clothes, magazines and sports equipment.
　　Recently I accompanied Jeff to the credit union where he opened up his first bank account. While the credit officer was processing the paper work, I told Jeff he needed a safe, accessible place to store his passbook. "I know, Mom," he replied. "I' 11 keep it on my floor. "

The Attraction of the Map


　　Mr. Smith taught English at a school .At the beginning of his lesson, he liked to have one of his students give a report on any subject. When it was Jack's turn, he told his audience about his elder brother who was a local worker. But during the report, his eyes were staring at the world map on the wall all the time. Mr. Smith knew that Jack didn't look at the audience because he was nervous. He said to Jack jokingly, "We can see you miss your brother very much. But is he 0. K. now in South America?"

What Grade


　　Kristin,, my 17-year-old niece, had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?"
　　"Eleventh!" Kristin replied.

An Adult Decision


　　The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one. He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough, a few days after his 18th birthday, he come home with a tattoo. Although I was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculinity he had chosen. There, on his shoulder, was a two-inch image of Mickey Mouse.

We're on That Mountain Over There


　　My son and I became lost while hiking high in the southern Rockies. I immediately went to work with my map and compass to determine where we had gone off course. My son, an electronics engineer, produced from his pack a hand-held Global Positioning System receiver.
　　"I know exactly where we are, " he proudly announced, after carefully locking the instrument on four satellites high above the earth and checking his map. "We're on that mountain there!"

I'm Going to Let My Chauffeur Answer it


　　A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea. "Hey, boss, I've heard your speech many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.
　　"sounds great," the scientist said.
　　When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled in the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
　　"Yes," said one processor.Then he launched into a highly technical question.
　　The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. " That's an easy one, " he replied, "so easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it. "

Where Do You Want These Blinds


　　A drill sergeant ordered two young female recruits to paint a room in the barracks, stressing that they not get any paint on their uniforms. Doubtful they could avoid ruining their clothes, the women locked the door, stripped naked and painted in nude. After about an hour they heard a knock at the door . "Who is it?" asked one of the women.
　　"Blind man, "came the reply.
　　Seeing no harm in letting a blind man in, they opened the door.
　　"Wow, what knockouts!" the man said with surprise. "Now, where do you want these blinds?"

Whose Dog Was the Smartest


　　Four friends were arguing over whose dog was the smartest. The first man, an engineer, called to his dog, "T Square, show your stuff. " The dog trotted over to a desk, pulled out a paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle.
　　The next guy, an accountant, called to his dog, "Slide Rule, go ahead. " The dog went to the kitchen, nibbled opened a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.
　　The next man, a chemist, beckoned his dog, Beaker, to show what he could do. The dog went to the fridge, took out a quart of milk and poured out exactly eighty ounces into a measuring cup.
　　The last man was a government worker. "Coffee Break," he hollered to his dog, "go to it. " With that, the dog jumped to his feet, soiled the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk.

What Will Be the Headline


　　When a man in Macon, Ga. , came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal. "
　　The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
　　"Well, then," the reporter said, the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog. '"
　　"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
　　"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read ,'Yankee Kills Family Pet.'"

A Challenging Hunt


　　A woman answered her front door and found two boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we are on a treasure hunt, and we need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar. "
　　"Wow," the woman replied, "who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend. "

You're Not Going to Make it


　　Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife. After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.
　　"Your husband is very sick, " the doctor said, "but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival. First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment , and don't complain about anything. Finally, make passionate love to him every day.
　　On the drive home the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
　　"I'm sorry, " she said, "but you're not going to make it.

A Pleasant Surprise


　　A friend of mine had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed.
　　A few days later a neighbor came over to visit my friend. After admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen. "

A Clever dog


　　A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a paper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money - The dog trotted off, but an hour later he had still not returned with the paper.
　　"How much did you give him?" asked the owner.
　　"Five dollars.
　　"Well, that explains it. When you give him five dollars, he goes to a movie."

It Seemed like Hours


　　As a band instructor at an elementary school, I require my students to turn in practice sheets signed by their parents so I can be sure they are putting in enough time. I had to laugh, however, when one parent wrote on her child's sheet, "Practiced 17 minutes, but it seemed like hours.

Mother's Feet


　　To prevent our dog, Lacy, from pestering visitors to our house, my mother often massaged her as she lounged beneath the kitchen table, her favorite resting spot. One day a contractor came over to talk about a home-improvement project. As he and my mother sat across the table discussing the renovations, my mother slipped off her shoes and mindlessly soothed Lacy with her feet. My mother had been talking for about a half-hour when to her great embarrassment she heard Lacy bark outside the front door.

I Want to Get Out


　　A bar owner locked up his place at 2 a. m. and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang." What time do you open up in the morning ?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
　　The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. "Listen," the owner shouted ,"there's no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn't let a person in your condition in-"
　　"I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. "I want to get out

Nest and Hair


　　My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
　　"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
　　"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
　　"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
　　"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

I Never Work after Supper


　　A penny-pinching farmer didn't want his hired hand to stop working. One morning, he told the farmhand, "It's such a nuisance to come in from the field,, wash up for lunch and take time to eat. Why don't we save time and eat lunch now?"
　　The hired man agreed. The farm's wife brought in some cold meat and fried potatoes, and the two men ate again.
　　When they had finished, the cheap farmer said, "While we're still at the table, let's have supper too. " They were now served steak, boiled potatoes and mixed vegetables, and they ate once more.
　　"Now that the meals are out of the way, " the farmer announced, we can go out and work all day without interruption. "
　　"Oh, no, " the farmhand answered. " I never work after supper.

Coffee Problem


　A man was at the doctor's office. "Every time I drink a cup of coffee, Doctor, I have a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do?" he asked .
　　"Take the spoon out of your cup. " answered the doctor.

I've Just Bitten My Tongue


　"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
　　"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
　　"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "