英语幽默

<P>Cat and Mice</P>
<P>Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top." What's in your box?" asked the friend.　"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them.""But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend."So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.</P>

I Understand Him<P>　　While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full. "Mump umn kmpfhm," was all I heard."Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand a word you're saying.""He says he wants some ketchup," my husband said calmly.A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, "How in the world did you understand him?""I'm a dentist," my husband explained.</P>

Goethe's Tolerance<P>　　Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, "I'll never make way for a fool." "But I will," with that Goethe retreated aside.</P>

We Left Nothing<P>Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She   locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman  on the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING."　When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:</P><P>　　"THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!"</P>

One Engine Left<P>　　A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately,　Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."　At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"</P>

A Heavy Sleeper<P>　　The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven，please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise.　Awaking with a start, the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit, "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."</P>

<P>Dating for Mother</P>
<P>　　When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?""Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.</P>
<P>　　"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"</P>
[align=right][color=#000066][此贴子已经被作者于2005-1-14 0:50:26编辑过][/color][/align]

<P>Taken for Granted</P><P>　　THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS had been distributed to the students with an error---the word "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown."</P>

<P>Very hostile farmer</P><P>A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.The farmer said, "That's once."A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.The farmer said, "That's twice."　After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.　The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.　His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."The farmer said, "That's once."</P>

Mistakes<P>An old gentleman was upset at the dress of some young people on the street. “Just look at that one,” he said to a bystander, “is it a boy or a girl?”“It is a girl. She is my daughter.”“Oh, sorry, please forgive me,” apologized the old man. “I didn’t know you are her mother.”“I’m not,” said the bystander angrily, “I’m her father.”</P>

<P>A Jealous Wife</P><P>There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night  and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him," Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by  saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"</P>

Excuse for Speeding<P>　　Harry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.‘Why on earth were you driving so fast?' the policeman  yelled. 'Our brakes are no good-so we wanted to get there before we　had an accident!'</P>

Rules for Success<P>　　young doctor: Well, Dad, now that I'm hanging out my　shingle, can you give me some rules for success?Father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your　bills very plainly.</P>

Send the Bill to My　Father<P>　　Doctor: I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.</P><P>　　Patient: then send the bill to my father, please.</P>

You Are Too Late<P>　　on the bus a man discovered a pick-pocket's hand thrust into　his pocket."sorry," he said to the pickpocket, "you are too late. My　wife did it before you."</P>

We Close at Nine<P>　　"Waitress," shouted the impatient diner,"do I have to sit here and starve all</P><P>　　night?"  "no, sir, we close at nine o'clock."</P>

He Needs Treatment Again<P>　　As a doctor is examining a patient, his nurse bursts in and says, "Excuse me,　but that man you just treated walked out the door and collapsed on the frontstep. What shall I do?"  "Turn him around,"the doctor answered, "so it looks like he was walking in . "</P>

An Absent-minded Husband<P>　　I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried　his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport　gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man　waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to　remember the combination . At last he succeeded. "Why are you so nervous?" I asked him. "The numbers are the date of our anniversary." my usband  confessed.</P>

He is really somebody<P>　　-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.</P><P>　　-- He is really somebody. What does he do?</P><P>　　-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.</P>

<P>They are directly from America.</P><P>Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."</P>

Bring me the winner<P> 　　-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.</P><P>　　-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.</P><P>        -- Well, bring me the winner then.</P>

The mean man's party.<P>　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.""Why use my elbow and foot?""Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"</P>

Advice for "Kid"<P>　　A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."</P>

Which woman?<P>　　One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you themost in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"</P>

The doctor lives downstairs<P>　　"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."　He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."</P>

A Smart Housewife.<P>　　A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"</P>

One Engine Left<P>　　A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as aresult."Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."　At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"</P>

Logic Reasoning<P>　　A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.　"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and  yelling  for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"</P>

<P>THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS </P><P>had been distributed to the students with an error---the word "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown."</P>

<P>Would you like to meet her?</P><P>When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?""Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.　"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"</P>