趣味英语让你开怀一笑(页 1) - 论坛精华区 - 英语论坛-英语麦当劳 English learners' Forum

2005-4-30 22:52 csxdy

趣味英语让你开怀一笑


<a href="http://haha.httpcn.com/show_en.asp?serial=327714438200315" target="_blank" >Marriage Arranged by an Unborn Baby</A> 
The other day a Chinese told me that to go with the traditional custom,one's marriage has to be decided by his or her parents and that accordingly,her mother's marriage was arranged by her grandparents,but her sister has broken the tradition. "How?"I asked. "Her marriage was arranged by her unborn baby." "What do you mean?"I was puzzled. "She had to get married because of her premarital pregnancy,"She explained in embarrassment.

2005-4-30 22:54 csxdy

<a href="http://haha.httpcn.com/show_en.asp?serial=507713738200315" target="_blank" >The Korean War Is Over</A> My husband's brother-in-law,Joseph,an American real estate agent,came to China for a short visit to our city.To show hospitality at the welcoming dinner party,Mr.Sun,the host,entertained Joseph with Chinese wine,saying,"According to our custom,a brother-in-law coming to his wife's native country for the first time must drink three cups of wine."Joseph declined the offer by saying,"Thank you,but I can't drink even one drop." "Then our dinner won't be over without your drinking at least one cup,"insisted Mr. Sun. To this,Joseph responded,"The Korean War is over,Don't attack the Americans any more."

2005-4-30 22:58 csxdy

<a href="http://haha.httpcn.com/show_en.asp?serial=50613451220031" target="_blank" > The Dean of Women</A> The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls` school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

2005-4-30 23:00 csxdy

<a href="http://haha.httpcn.com/show_en.asp?serial=506114556200327" target="_blank" > A man and his wife</A> A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignored his remark. A little later, the husband took his measuring tape and measured his wife`s rear end while she was bending over working in a flower bed. "Geeze, honey, it IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignored his remark. Later that night, while in bed, the husband started to feel frisky. He rolled over to start something with his wife and she calmly rolled away from him saying, "If you think I`m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, forget it!"

2005-4-30 23:01 csxdy

sandwiches There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So they go to the girls house and before entering the girl stops the guy and says. "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing, so when I say `baloney` it means push harder, and when I say `pastrami` it means push slower." With this the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "baloney,baloney,baloney" then shouts "pastrami,pastrami,pastrami" and then back to "baloney,baloney,baloney" Finally, the girls sister says "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there, you`re getting mayonaise all over me!"

2005-4-30 23:04 csxdy

Bar hopping These two guys lived on the street and had just spent the last of their money. They figured the only thing they needed to stay alive was beer, but they needed a plan to get some. One guy(lets call him Sam) came up with the idea they could go in the bar, have a beer, and before the waiter asked them for money, the other guy(he`s Bob) would take a hot dog and stick it in his pants while Sam got on his knees and sucked it. That way they would be thrown out without paying. This worked for several bars until Sam complained his knees were getting sore. "You`re telling me", said Bob, "My dick is sore." "What do you mean"said Sam? "Yea," Bob said,"I lost the hot dog about five bars back."

2005-4-30 23:05 csxdy

<a href="http://haha.httpcn.com/show_en.asp?serial=506954526200311" target="_blank" > Cheating</A> A woman is in bed with her husband`s best friend. The phone rings, and he hears her say, "Uh-huh... sure, wonderful. Okay... Uh-huh. Yep. That`s fine.. I understand. Okay, bye..." She turns to her lover and says, "That was John. Don`t worry, he won`t be home for hours; he`s out playing cards with you."

2005-4-30 23:07 csxdy

The Sperm Bank A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we`re not a real bank" she replies, "we don`t have any money, this is a sperm bank." "Don`t argue, open the fucking safe or I`ll blow your head off" says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." "But it`s full `of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don`t argue, just drink," it he says. She pulls the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski mask and to the girl`s amazement it`s her husband. "There," he says "it`s not that fucking difficult is it?"

2005-4-30 23:09 csxdy

In the bar A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I`m afraid I can`t" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

2005-4-30 23:10 csxdy

Wedding day On his wedding day, the groom walked down the isle with a big grin on his face. His best man said "I know this is your wedding day but I`ve never seen you with such a big smile" The groom whispered "I just got the best blow job I`ve ever had" As the bride walked down the isle she too grinned from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her "I know this is the happiest day in your life but I have never seen you with a bigger smile. To which the bride whispered "I`ve just given my last blow job"

2005-4-30 23:12 csxdy

Skimpy skirt A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt is at the bus stop. When the bus arrives and the doors open, she tries to climb the steps. However, her skirt is too tight and her legs can`t move. So she reaches behind her and undoes her zipper a little. She tries to step up again, and still can`t, so she reaches behind again and plays with the zipper some more. She tries to climb the steps again -- still no luck. So as she`s reaching behind again, a pair of strong hands pick her up and place her on the top step. "What do you think you`re doing?!" she indignantly asks the guy behind her. "Well, I figured, by the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!"

2005-4-30 23:13 csxdy

<a href="http://haha.httpcn.com/show_en.asp?serial=50687458020033" target="_blank" > Married life</A> A woman who just got married ran into a friend on the street one day, and the friend asked her how her marriage was going. "Not good. He eats like a pig, he never takes a bath, and he leaves his dirty clothes all over the house. He makes me so sick I can barely eat." "Well," says the friend, "why don`t you leave him?" "I will," says the first one. "But I want to lose another 12 pounds first."

2005-4-30 23:14 csxdy

Numbers The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the kid.

2005-4-30 23:15 csxdy

<a href="http://haha.httpcn.com/show_en.asp?serial=5068545220031" target="_blank" > College</A>Some freshman college kids are sitting under a tree at their beautiful state university talking about their classes. Says one young woman, "I can`t believe it. My calculus course has to be the hardest course in the world." "Get over yourself," says her girlfriend. "You should try my theoretical physics class." "You have got to be joking," says a young man there on a football scholarship. "You call that stuff hard? You should try my class. Have you ever heard of something called subtraction?"

2005-4-30 23:16 csxdy

Scales A man and a woman go into a drug store to pick up a prescription. While they`re waiting, the man climbs on one of those old-fashioned scales some of them have. He puts in a quarter and out comes a card that says, "You are a thoughtful, considerate, kindhearted, and good with children." Very smugly, he hands the card to the woman. She reads it and says, "It didn`t get your weight right, either."

2005-4-30 23:17 csxdy

Hardware Not all dumb men are mechanically inclined. A friend tells me a story about the guy who went to the hardware store and bought a chainsaw. The next day he brings it back. "What`s the matter?" says the clerk. "You told me this saw would cut down ten trees in an hour. It took me all day yesterday to chop down ten trees." The clerk says, "Let me look at it." He takes the saw and pulls the starter cord. The thing starts right up with a deafening sound, a loud angry buzz. The customer puts his fingers in his ears and shouts to the clerk, "What`s making that noise?"

2005-4-30 23:18 csxdy

What got him Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one nite. "My grandfather lived to be 96." "Ninety-six ? What finally got him ???" "Liquor and women." "Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both`ll get you in the end." "Well actually, no, it`s not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn`t get either one, so he just laid down and died."

2005-4-30 23:19 csxdy

Behind A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one couple for an explanation. "This is marvelous !" said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles since the last time I was here ?" Replied the Kuwaiti man: "Land mines !"

2005-4-30 23:20 csxdy

Corn a man and a woman get married, and she brings home a hope chest. On their wedding night the man asks, What`s in the chest? the woman says I tell you on our 50th wedding annvisery. Every night the man asks the same thing, and gets the same answer. Finally, on their 50th wedding annversiary the man asks, What`s in the chest? The woman says, Ok. You can see now. She opens the chest and in it are 3 ears of corn and 50,000 dollars. The man asks What is the corn for? the woman replies Everytime I had sex with someone else stuck an ear of corn in here. The man mulls over it and says, Well, after 50 years three aren`t that bad. Then he asks What is the 50,000 dollars for? the woman says, Everytime I got a bushel I sold it.

2005-4-30 23:21 csxdy

Lost A guy was going to visit his friend in another city, but he got lost so he found a phone booth and called him and asked him if he could pick him up. His friend said, "No problem, just look around for a street sign and tell me what it says and I`ll be right there." So the guys looks around and tells him, "Okay, I`m at the corner of `Walk` and `Don`t Walk.`" And his friend goes, "Dude, you`re right outside my apartment!"

2005-4-30 23:22 csxdy

Creation God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you`d like to change?" She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?" And God created man.

2005-4-30 23:24 csxdy

Tampons A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it`s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

2005-8-13 21:03 泡泡友

还不错，可惜没人支持~

2005-8-16 00:42 csxdy

有你支持就足够了！

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