英语幽默大观园

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<TD  vAlign=top width=449 height=99><B>Whose heart is better?

</B>A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".  </TD>
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<P>The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
"Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. Social workers have bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!" </P>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=466 height=99><B>Good news and bad news

</B>An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. " The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." </TD>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=148>"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."</TD></TR></TABLE>

<TABLE #725340 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #725340 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #725340 1px solid" height=255 width=576 border=0><TR><TD justify" vAlign=top width=420 height=99><B>Who's going deaf?

</B>A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we  </TD><TD justify" vAlign=bottom width=147 height=99><P align=center><img src="http://www.165net.com/tower/images/humor43.jpg"> </P></TD></TR><TR><TD justify" vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=148>can see how bad the problem is."
The man goes home, sees his wife and says, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" He repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her.
Finally, she answers, "For the tenth time, I said we're having Pot Roast!" </TD></TR></TABLE>

<TABLE #725340 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #725340 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #725340 1px solid" height=255 width=576 border=0><TR><TD justify" vAlign=top width=465 height=99><B>About the future

</B>A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."  </TD><TD justify" vAlign=bottom width=102 height=99><P align=center><img src="http://www.165net.com/tower/images/humor42.jpg"> </P></TD></TR><TR><TD justify" vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=148>The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class." </TD></TR></TABLE>

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</B>One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."  </TD><TD justify" vAlign=bottom width=120 height=89><P align=center><img src="http://www.165net.com/tower/images/humor40.jpg"> </P></TD></TR><TR><TD justify" vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=148>The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."  </TD></TR></TABLE>

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<TD  vAlign=top width=447 height=99><B>Frog
</B>The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you
this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a
chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,
"That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch." </TD>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=447 height=99><B>The Bad News and the Terrible News
</B>Michael sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first." </TD>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=148>"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Michael incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
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<TABLE #725340 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #725340 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #725340 1px solid" height=255 width=576 border=0><TR><TD justify" vAlign=top width=457 height=99><B>The Day that You're Inaugurated
</B>A woman and her husband were out shopping when she realized that she needed to purchase some hair color for her graying hair.

"When are you going to stop buying that expensive stuff," complained the husband, "and let your hair go gray like Barbara Bush?" </TD><TD justify" vAlign=bottom width=110 height=99><P align=center><img src="http://www.165net.com/tower/images/humor35.jpg"> </P></TD></TR><TR><TD justify" vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=148>"The day that you're inaugurated," the wife replied.
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<TD  vAlign=top width=439 height=99><B>I'll Go There Myself
</B>There was once a landlord who always pretended he was knowledgeable though he was completely unable to read or write.

One day when the landlord was chatting with his guests, a servant came in and gave him a letter which asked him to lend a cow. The landlord was afraid that  </TD>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=148>his guests would know he was unable to read or write, so he opened the envelope and glanced over the words. Then he said to the servant, "OK, please tell him I'll go there myself in a few minutes."
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<TD  vAlign=top width=439><B>The Lost Purse
</B>A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2>The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
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<TD  vAlign=top width=405><B>Friend for Dinner
</B>"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" </TD>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2>"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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<TD  vAlign=top width=405><B>An Advertisement for Modern Bicycle
</B>Tom saw an advertisement in a newspaper for a beautiful modern bicycle which cost &pound;50, so he went to the shop to have a look.

After examining the bicycle carefully, Tom turned to the shopkeeper and said, "There isn't a lamp on this bicycle, but there was one on the bicycle in your advertisement." "Yes, sir," answered the shopkeeper, "but the lamp isn't included in the price of the bicycle. It's an extra." </TD>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2>"Not included in the price of bicycle?" Tom said angrily, "But that's not honest. If the lamp's in the advertisement, it should have been included in the price you gave there.""Well, sir," answered the shopkeeper calmly, "there is also a girl on the bicycle in our advertisement, shall we supply one for you too?"
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<TD  vAlign=top width=444><B>Bat Problem
</B>Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "You know, since summer started  I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away."
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2>Another said, "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've been had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away.""
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...haven't seen one back since!"
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<TD  vAlign=top width=430 height=109><B>Talking on the Telephone
</B>Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.

"You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.  The  children  nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is  </TD>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2>like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him. He is listening though."
Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?"
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<TD  vAlign=top width=456 height=109><B>Not Knowing Her Well
</B>Wife: Bill, the man in that house opposite always kisses his wife when he leaves in the morning and he kisses her again when he comes back in the evening. Why don't you do that too?
Husband: Well, I don't know her very well yet.
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2><B>No Problem</B>
A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist. "I went for a hair transplant," the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5,000.""No problem," said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his head.
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<TD  vAlign=top width=478 height=109><B>Who Are Crooks?
</B>A newspaper once carried an editorial which stated bluntly that half the city council were crooks. Under penalty of arrest, the editor issued following retraction: "HALF THE CITY COUNCIL AREN'T CROOKS."

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<TD  vAlign=center width=560 colSpan=2 height=120><B>A New Employee
</B>Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office."What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you ever held.""Well," the young man said, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=109><B>Who's better satisfied?
</B>Who's better satisfied? A  person with six children or a person with $6 million? Why?
The person with six children of course. Because the one with $6 million wants more.
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<TD  vAlign=center width=430 height=120><B>To Give Up the Seat
</B>Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy

"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
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<TD  vAlign=top width=375 height=285><B>Coincidence</B>
A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer.
"What a terrible voice!" he said. "Do you know who she is?"
"Yes," was the answer. "She is my wife."
"Oh, I beg your pardon." The man said, "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song."
"I did." was the answer.
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<TD  vAlign=top width=342 height=109><B>Hen's Legs
</B>Son: Why are hen's legs so short?
Dad: You're a fool. If the hen's legs were too long, wouldn't they drop their  eggs into pieces when laying?

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<TD  vAlign=top width=419><B>Mushroom and Toadstool</B>
Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?
Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.

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<TD  vAlign=top width=447 height=89><B>Reason of Punishment

</B>One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."  </TD>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=148>The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."  
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<TD  vAlign=top width=447 height=99><B>Guns Buried in the Garden

</B>An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in  prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. </TD>
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<TD  vAlign=top width=566 colSpan=2 height=148>He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
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