英语幽默（中英对照）

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<P><STRONG>好客Hospitality</STRONG> </P>
<P>Hospitality<BR><BR>The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.<BR><BR>好客<BR><BR>由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 </P>

<P><STRONG>一切都正常Things Have Been Okay</STRONG> </P>
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<P>A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."
<P>"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?"
<P>"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay." </P>
<P>一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开品说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。”
<P>“你说话了!你说话了!”他母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？”
<P>“哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。”</P>

<P><STRONG>原来如此 That's Why</STRONG> </P>
<P>Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money."
<P>Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.
<P>"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"
<P>One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"
<P>"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high." </P>
<P>吉米三岁开始画画，五岁时已经画得很好了。他画了很多美丽而有趣的画，人们出高价购买。他们说，“这个孩子长大一点肯定会出名，我们可以靠这些画大赚一笔。”
<P>吉米的画与众不同。因为他从来不在整张纸上作画。他只画一半的纸，而另一半他总空着。
<P>“构思多么巧妙啊!”大家都说，“从来没有人这么做过。”
<P>有一天，一个人买了吉米的画，然后问他：“请告诉我，吉米，你为什么总是在纸的下半部分画画，而不是在纸的上半部分？”
<P>吉米说，“因为我个头小，够不着上面。” </P>

<P><STRONG>一个数学问题A Problem in Arithmetic</STRONG> </P>
<P>Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.
<P>One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.
<P>"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.
<P>"Six for five cents."
<P>"But I don't want six apples."
<P>"How many apples do you want?"
<P>"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic."
<P>"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.
<P>"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."
<P>Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word. </P>
<P>比尔是一个好学生，也是个聪明的孩子。他喜欢学数学，课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。
<P>有一天，在上学路上，比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着：“苹果--五美分六个。”比尔脑筋一转，进了店门。
<P>“苹果怎么卖？”
<P>“五美分六个。”
<P>“但我不想要六个。”
<P>“你想要几个？”
<P>“这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。”
<P>“数学问题？你说这话是什么意思？”
<P>“你看，如果六个苹果五美分，那么五个苹果四美分，四个苹果三美分，三个苹果二美分，二个苹果一美分，一个苹果就不要钱。我只要一个苹果，如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话，那我也就没必要给你钱了。”
<P>比尔拣了一个好苹果，开始吃了起来，然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊地望着这个小男孩，一句话也说不出来。</P>

<P><STRONG>幸运的母亲 Lucky Mother</STRONG> </P>
<P>A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
<P>Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.
<P>Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?" </P>
<P>一位年轻的母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。
<P>母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，“露茜，当我象你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。”
<P>露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：“您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗？” </P>

<P><STRONG>模仿 Imitation</STRONG> </P>
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<P>A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."
<P>Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.
<P>"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it." </P>
<P>一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。“来，坐下，吃点点心，”妈妈说，“你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。”
<P>一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。
<P>“你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，”他那聪明的儿子说，“里面装点东西，就会好的。”</P>

<P><STRONG>缠住不放 Persistance</STRONG> </P>
<P>Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?"
<P>"Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband hedged. "We just play to have fun."
<P>Undaunted, Sare said, "Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?" </P>
<P>丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。“爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔？”
<P>“我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，”丈夫推诿说。“我们打球只是为了好玩而已。”
<P>莎拉毫不气馁，又问：“那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢？” </P>

<P><STRONG>我教老师 I Taught the Teacher</STRONG> </P>
<P>Mother asked her little boy, "Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?"
<P>"Nothing, Mum," answered the son proundly, "instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three." </P>
<P>母亲问她年幼的儿子：“宝贝，今天老师教了你些什么？” 　
<P>儿子骄傲地说：“什么都没教，妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她等于三。” </P>

<P><STRONG>小男孩与驴子 A Small Boy and a Donkey</STRONG> </P>
<P>A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp. A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad. "What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny?" asked one of them.
<P>"So he won't join the army," the youngster replied without blinking an eye. </P>
<P>一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房。两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：“小孩，你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？”
<P>“这样，他就不会去参军了。”小家伙眼都不眨地回答道。</P>

<P><STRONG>心目中的英雄Personal Hero</STRONG> </P>
<P>Our granddaughter's second-grade class was asked to write about their personal heroes. Her father was flattered to find out that she had chosen him. "Why did you pick me?" he asked.
<P>"Because I couldn't spell Arnold Schwarzenegger," she said. </P>
<P>我们的孙女儿读二年级，老师要求班上的同学写他们心目中的英雄。她的爸爸发现她选择了他，真是受宠若惊。“你为什么选我呢？”他问。 　
<P>“因为我不会拼阿诺得.施瓦辛格(Arnold Schwarzenegger)，“她说。</P>

<P><STRONG>款待Treat</STRONG> </P>
<P>As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.</P>
<P>One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.
<P>Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men.
<P>"An ice-cream cone. Why?"
<P>"Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!" </P>
<P>我是新泽西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。
<P>一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。
<P>警车很快来了。一名警察问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的小孩，该多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了警察们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。“你请他吃了什么？”一名警察问。
<P>“一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？”
<P>“因为，”那名警察说，“那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新警察中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！” </P>

<P><STRONG>女孩的名字Girl's Name</STRONG> </P>
<P>When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine.
<P>Years later, when i felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, "Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you."
<P>Myles thought carefully about this and  then said, "I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name </P>
<P>女儿出生时，我们给她取名叫迈尔斯，和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字，不顾家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。
<P>几年以后，我觉得迈尔斯已经长大，能够懂事了。我对她解释说：“你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样 的名字，因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。”
<P>迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下，然后说道：“这些我都懂，妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。” </P>

<P><STRONG>父亲的东西 Father's Things</STRONG> </P>
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<P>When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.
<P>Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.
<P>One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.
<P>Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"
<P>"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.
<P>"And that shirt's mine too."
<P>"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.
<P>"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.
<P>"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?" </P>
<P>汤姆.霍德华十七岁的时候，长得和父亲一样高了，于是当他晚上和朋友一起出去时，就开始借父亲的衣服穿。
<P>霍德华先生可不喜欢这样，当他发现他的儿子穿他的衣服时，总是非常生气。
<P>一天晚上，汤姆下楼准备出去，父亲在门厅里拦住了他。他细细打量着汤姆的穿着。
<P>然后他气呼呼地说：“汤姆，那不是我的一条领带吗？”
<P>汤姆回答说：“是的，父亲，是你的领带。”
<P>“还有那衬衫也是我的。”
<P>“是的，衬衫也是你的。”汤姆回答说。
<P>“还有呢，你连皮带也用我的。”霍德华先生说。
<P>“是的，父亲，”汤姆回答说，“你不愿意让你的裤子掉下来吧？” </P></TD></TR></TABLE></P>

<P><STRONG>生命知识 Facts of Life</STRONG> </P>
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<P>I have always tried to be open and honest with my children whenever they came to me with questions, but six-year-old Peter caught me off guard one evening when he bounced in at dinner time and asked, "Mom, when you get married, does that make you pregnant?"
<P>"No," I answered, "Getting married is not what makes you pregnant."
<P>"Well," he persisted, "how do you get pregnant then?"
<P>Not wishing to get into such a serious discourse just before dinner, I answered, "Peter, it's a sort of a long story."
<P>Within an impish look on his little face, he cocked his head and replied, "You don't know, do you?" </P>
<P>每当孩子们问我问题时，我总是试图坦诚相告。可是，有天晚上，我那六岁的儿子彼得把我难住了。他在晚饭时冲回家来，突然问道：“妈，结婚会使人怀孕吗？”
<P>“不，”我说：“结婚不一定会使人怀孕。”
<P>“那么，”他追问道：“你是怎么怀孕的？”
<P>我不想在吃饭前讨论如此严肃的话题，于是答道：“彼得，这事儿一时半会也说不清楚。”
<P>彼得的小脸上一副调皮模样，他歪着头说：“你也不知道，是吗？” </P></TD></TR></TABLE></P>

<P><STRONG>论奇迹On Miracle</STRONG> </P>
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<P>In Sunday school, the minister was trying to illustrate the word miracle. "Boys and girls," he said, "suppose I stood on the roof of a ten-story building, lost my balance and fell off. Then all of a sudden in midair, a whirlwind swept me up and brought me safely to the ground. Now what word would you use to describe this?"
<P>After a long silence a boy raised his hand and said, "Luck?"
<P>"True, ture," replied the minister. "It could be luck - but that's not the word I wanted. I'll repeat the story. There I am on top of the ten-story building again, and I fall. A whirlwind catches me in midair and places me safely on the ground. Think now - what word would decribe the situation?"
<P>"Accident," cried out one girl.
<P>"No, no," answered the minister. "Listen carefully for the third time. I'm on the same building; I fall and am swept to safety by a sudden whirlwind. What word could account for my safely reaching the ground?"
<P>The boys and girls shouted in unison:"Practice!" </P>
<P>在主日学校里，牧师正举例说明“奇迹”一词的意义。“孩子们，”他说：“假如我站在一座十层高的楼顶上，失去平衡掉了下来。在跌落到半空中时，突然刮来一阵旋风，把我举起来，使我安全着陆。想想看，该用什么词来描绘这件事？”
<P>很长时间没有回答。后来一个男孩举手说：“运气”
<P>“好吧，好吧，”牧师回答说：“可以说是运气，不过那不是我想要的词。我再讲一遍这个故事。我还是在一座十层高的楼顶上，从上面摔下来。一阵旋风在半空中把我托住，使我安全返回地面。好好想一下，该用什么词来描绘这一情景呢？”
<P>“意外，”有个女孩大声说。
<P>“不对，不对，”牧师说：“你们仔细听，再听一遍。我还是在那座楼顶上，摔下来时被一阵突然刮来的旋风托住，转危为安。用什么词来解释我安全返回地面这事？”
<P>孩子们齐声叫道：“反复练习！” </P>

<P><STRONG>把它堵在里面 I'm Trying to Stop It</STRONG> </P>
<P align=center><FONT size=+1>I'm Trying to Stop It </FONT>
<P>"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"
<P>"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it." </P>
<P>“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”
<P>“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。” </P>