Henry and Mary had just got married, and everybody was enjoying their wedding party. There was plenty to eat and plenty to drink, and everybody was getting very merry, when a very thin, very young man came into the room. He looked at Mary sadly and accusingly, walked slowly towards her, kissed her lovingly and said, 'Why did you do it?'
    Then he walked to the door and disappeared.
    Nobody had ever seen the young man before--not even Mary.

　　A man called his doctor's office for an appointment. "I am sorry,"
said the receptioist,"we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."
　　"But I could be dead by then!"
　　"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

      One day, a bear and a rabbit found a bottle and opened it. It was a bo-ttle that Genie was locked in. So Genie came out and told the bear and the rabbit:"Since you released me from the bottle, I am going to grant each of you three wishes."
Both the bear and the rabbit were very happy.
So the bear thought a while and decided his first wish:"I want to become the only male bear in this whole forest." Genie said:"Fine. Wish granted."
The rabbit thought a while and said:"I want a bike." "What?" thought the bear, "Only a bike? What a stupid rabbit!"..........

The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners.
The first person to come up was Howard Stern. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"
"I've offended people all over the country."
The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
Next was Bill Clinton. "What is your sin?"
Clinton said, "I cheated on my wife."
The Pope looks at him and says, "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
The Pope then asked a third sinner, "What is your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky."
The Pope said, "Maybe you should remain standing."

       Johnny's mom was out of town for a week. When she got home, Johnny greeted her and said, "You know, two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they... "
"Stop, Johnny, wait until your father gets home, and then repeat your story," his mother said.  When the father came home, Johnny started again, "Two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they... "

Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills.
"A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist."
"That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."
"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."

       Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
      They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

      John lived with his mother in a rather big house, and when she died, the house became too big for him so he bought a smaller one in the next street. There was a very nice old clock in his first house, and when the men came to take his furniture to the new house, John thought, 'I'm not going to let them carry my beautiful old clock in their truck. Perhaps they'll break it, and then mending it will be very expensive.' So he picked it up and began to carry it down the road in his arms.

　　In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast,when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

A salesman walked into the factory and demanded an interview with the manager.
"Look here, sir," he began, energetically, "I'd like to talk to your men and sell them my correspondence course on how to put fire and sparkle into their work."
The manager turned pale."Get out of here," he roared. "Get out, you idiot-this is a dynamite factory!"

       A party of visitors were being shown round a lunatic asylum. They came across one individual in the grounds, with wild eyes, dishevelled hair, feverishly endeavouring to catch flies and keep them in his pocket.
"His was a sad case,"said the attendant."Whilst he was at the war his wife abandoned his home and ran off with another man."
"Terrible,"said a visitor.
Presently they came to a padded cell, in which could be heard a raging as of a wild beast. "That's the other man."said the attendant.

“Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse (诡计）to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"
"What should I do?"
"Wear an old dress."

       Mark Twain once went to borrow a certain book from a neighbour in Tarry town. "May I borrow a book from you?" he asked politely."Yes,you're more than welcome to it," the neighbour told him. "But I must ask you to read it here. You know I make a rule never to let any book go out of my library."
      Some days later the neighbour wished to borrow Twain's machine for cutting grass in the garden. "Why,certainly," Twain told him,"You're more than welcome to it. But I must ask you to use it here. You know that I make it a rule never to let it go out of my garden."

     Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health) substituting rats with lawyers for lab tests?
Three reasons:
1. There are more lawyers then rats.
2. When rats die many lab techies feel bad for them.
3. There are some things a rat will not do.

"What makes you think you're qualified to be a night watchman?" asked the personnel director.
"Well, for one thing," replied the job applicant, "I'm a real light sleeper."