One day, there was a French man who was learning English from a English Man. They went to travel to Africa to meet the English man's wife. And when they got on the plane, the English man tought the French man "TAKE OFF",the French man repeated "TAKE OF".When they were almost landing, they saw zebras, and the English man said "ZEBRA", and the French man repeated "Z BRA". When they were in the airport looking for the English man's wife, they saw a baby, the English man told the French man "BABY", and the French man said "BABE" in a very French way. When they saw the wife, she asked the French man what he learned today, and he replied,""Take of z bra babe".

Top Ten Reasons Women Want Men To Say "I Love You"

1. They like the words. 2. Girls, at times, think that the "words" are important. 3. They can brag to their friends that they got him to do it. 4. It makes them feel all tingly to hear it. 5. Commitment/Power *evil grin* 6. He ain`t gettin ANY unless he does. 7. It makes up for what a jerk he is the rest of the time. 8. It makes sex better. 9. The woman can say it back without risking rejection. 10. The woman wants to see his dick fall off.

sandwiches

There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So they go to the girls house and before entering the girl stops the guy and says."My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing, so when I say `baloney` it means push harder, and when I say `pastrami` it means push slower." With this the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "baloney,baloney,baloney" then shouts "pastrami,pastrami,pastrami" and then back to "baloney,baloney,baloney" Finally, the girls sister says "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there, you`re getting mayonaise all over me!"

Where's My Rolex?

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?

Doctor, Quickies

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before!" A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

Things you won't hear a woman say to another woman

That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim? Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself! His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day! We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!Why I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt *is* fat!

Three mice at the bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire,downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f_ck the cat."

Who enjoys sex more?

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more.The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we`re so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response."That doesn`t prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your little finger?"

Lobbying

A man accidentlly elbows a woman in a hotel lobby while trying to get to the clerk to ask a question. Startled, the man turns to the woman and says, "Ma`am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I`m sure you will forgive me..." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I`m in room 436."

Bar hopping

These two guys lived on the street and had just spent the last of their money. They figured the only thing they needed to stay alive was beer, but they needed a plan to get some. One guy(lets call him Sam) came up with the idea they could go in the bar, have a beer, and before the waiter asked them for money, the other guy(he`s Bob) would take a hot dog and stick it in his pants while Sam got on his knees and sucked it. That way they would be thrown out without paying. This worked for several bars until Sam complained his knees were getting sore. "You`re telling me", said Bob, "My dick is sore." "What do you mean"said Sam? "Yea," Bob said,"I lost the hot dog about five bars back."

Super Bowl

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he`s closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven`t been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that`s really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn`t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they`re all at the funeral."

Wedding Night Confessions

A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while and said he does not mind she is flat because sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.Several miles down the road, the guy turns to the girl and says that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist, he`s built just like a baby. If the girl wanted to cancel the wedding, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, because she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.They were happy that they were so honest with each other and continue to Las Vegas where they were married. In their motel on the wedding night, the girl took off her clothes... sure enough, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, finally, the guy takes off his clothes. After one glance at the guy`s naked body, the girl fainted dead away and fell to the floor.After she regained her senses, the guy asked; "What`s the matter, I told you before we got married; why did you faint?"The girl replied, " You told me it was just like a baby."The guy responded; " Yes, that`s right: 8 pounds and 21 inches!"

The Sperm Bank

A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we`re not a real bank" she replies, "we don`t have any money, this is a sperm bank." "Don`t argue, open the fucking safe or I`ll blow your head off" says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." "But it`s full `of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don`t argue, just drink," it he says. She pulls the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski mask and to the girl`s amazement it`s her husband. "There," he says "it`s not that fucking difficult is it?"

In the bar

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I`m afraid I can`t" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Wedding day

On his wedding day, the groom walked down the isle with a big grin on his face. His best man said "I know this is your wedding day but I`ve never seen you with such a big smile" The groom whispered "I just got the best blow job I`ve ever had" As the bride walked down the isle she too grinned from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her "I know this is the happiest day in your life but I have never seen you with a bigger smile. To which the bride whispered "I`ve just given my last blow job"